***WARNING: This journal is Uncensored!***
That means: no proofing, no editing; just me. Pure Dana... poured out into a document for processing of some crazy times.
It’s been about two weeks since I submitted my deposit to WR to solidify my commitment to God’s call on my life and this partnership with the WR.
It’s been about two weeks of pure craziness! The walls and floors are all rattling and this week, I felt pieces start to crumble.
Tuesday I didn’t feel very good in the afternoon at my second job. I was feverish feeling and exhausted all night. By time 7pm rolled around, I knew I was taking a sick day on Wednesday. I just needed REST!! Rest I got:o) It was a good day yesterday – slept in a bit, went to REI to play with gear, a nice quaint lunch with a girlfriend and then home for a nap (I never did fall asleep but laid in bed for an hour – that was nice) and then LOTS of folding support letters, stuffing envelopes, and sealing them all up. I ended out the day with a movie and then off to bed I went.
The alarm went off and it hit me – reality – I had to go back to work today. Ugh…
I like my job, really, I do. It has purpose beyond a paycheck and the work itself is not too difficult. I mean I do get to listen to music, YouTube or whatever I like all day and the days come and go pretty effortlessly. However, I work with some extremely difficult people; what I call my “thorns”. I’ve learned a good bit how to just sit back and do my job – check in, work, go home and leave it all behind me when I do. My aim is to not rock the boat and just be at peace as much as possible with people who HIGHLY dislike me;-)
When I got to the office, my stomach was in knots from nerves for some reason. I just wanted to log into my programs, stick in my headphones and pull data. Seriously?! I hadn’t even gotten my computer turned on and the co-worker was complaining and frustrated; demanding I come help her get logged into an agency portal she couldn’t figure out. Seriously yo, NOT how I wanted to be greeted for my morning. I put on my fake happy face and walked all the way over to her cubicle on the other side, since she decided to move away from the rest of the team, and I did what I could. She needed IT support and I was beyond patience at 8am explaining this to her.
The day was weird! It just felt like eggshells all around and people watching/stalking one another. The dynamic of our team has changed immensely over the past three months – I absolutely do not like it. It’s not easy to work with and blah – I just don’t like it anymore. I work for great docs and some great other employees surround us from different departments but I’m just over it!
While I worked to pull data, listen to Air1 online, multitask a few text and personal emails; I had this doubt overcome me. (This is something that’s been working up in for days now…the morning events just brought it all out today!) By early afternoon I just couldn’t take it anymore – I felt like I made the wrong decision. I needed to talk to someone – anyone that understood this and what was going on. And I was frustrated – almost mad – all this “stress” and craziness seemed to come after I committed to WR.
I walked out of work, about in tears, and called my mobilizer. After telling Alexandra it was me and asking how her day was, avoiding the same question she had just asked me, I wasn’t so sure she wanted that answer, I asked her if she had a few minutes. Her voice changed tones and said I do. I paused ---
After I paused for a minute she said, in a sweet soft tone that brought tears to my eyes ---
I cried in relief and then we both laughed:) We had a sweet chat for about 10 minutes and even just talking through it out loud, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt in my heart that THIS journey – The World Race – is God’s calling on this season of my life. Reiterating to her things that God has done that I’d never be able to do on my own was just more proof of that. She agreed. She also encouraged me to just journal this out to process the doubt and struggle that I’ve felt from it.
When I went back into work, I was listening to music on the Casting Crowns YouTube channel and I think the song The Well is a great description of where God has me right now. It’s a hard place to be frankly! FULLY surrendering what “I” foresee, think and plan to what GOD has in store instead.
For now, my job is to be EXACTLY where I am – The University of Arizona in Phoenix Arizona working with some “crazy co-workers” that happen to be my thorns (my spiritual sharpeners per se) and minister to them RIGHT where they are. It’s not a pretty place to be frankly...but if I can’t do it here, what makes me think I can handle loving orphans across the world or a sweet soul as they work in a garbage dump?!? Love is LOVE – unearned, undeserved, and something a believer should give unconditionally.
The morale of the story:
That means: no proofing, no editing; just me. Pure Dana... poured out into a document for processing of some crazy times.
It’s been about two weeks since I submitted my deposit to WR to solidify my commitment to God’s call on my life and this partnership with the WR.
It’s been about two weeks of pure craziness! The walls and floors are all rattling and this week, I felt pieces start to crumble.
Tuesday I didn’t feel very good in the afternoon at my second job. I was feverish feeling and exhausted all night. By time 7pm rolled around, I knew I was taking a sick day on Wednesday. I just needed REST!! Rest I got:o) It was a good day yesterday – slept in a bit, went to REI to play with gear, a nice quaint lunch with a girlfriend and then home for a nap (I never did fall asleep but laid in bed for an hour – that was nice) and then LOTS of folding support letters, stuffing envelopes, and sealing them all up. I ended out the day with a movie and then off to bed I went.
The alarm went off and it hit me – reality – I had to go back to work today. Ugh…
I like my job, really, I do. It has purpose beyond a paycheck and the work itself is not too difficult. I mean I do get to listen to music, YouTube or whatever I like all day and the days come and go pretty effortlessly. However, I work with some extremely difficult people; what I call my “thorns”. I’ve learned a good bit how to just sit back and do my job – check in, work, go home and leave it all behind me when I do. My aim is to not rock the boat and just be at peace as much as possible with people who HIGHLY dislike me;-)
When I got to the office, my stomach was in knots from nerves for some reason. I just wanted to log into my programs, stick in my headphones and pull data. Seriously?! I hadn’t even gotten my computer turned on and the co-worker was complaining and frustrated; demanding I come help her get logged into an agency portal she couldn’t figure out. Seriously yo, NOT how I wanted to be greeted for my morning. I put on my fake happy face and walked all the way over to her cubicle on the other side, since she decided to move away from the rest of the team, and I did what I could. She needed IT support and I was beyond patience at 8am explaining this to her.
The day was weird! It just felt like eggshells all around and people watching/stalking one another. The dynamic of our team has changed immensely over the past three months – I absolutely do not like it. It’s not easy to work with and blah – I just don’t like it anymore. I work for great docs and some great other employees surround us from different departments but I’m just over it!
While I worked to pull data, listen to Air1 online, multitask a few text and personal emails; I had this doubt overcome me. (This is something that’s been working up in for days now…the morning events just brought it all out today!) By early afternoon I just couldn’t take it anymore – I felt like I made the wrong decision. I needed to talk to someone – anyone that understood this and what was going on. And I was frustrated – almost mad – all this “stress” and craziness seemed to come after I committed to WR.
I walked out of work, about in tears, and called my mobilizer. After telling Alexandra it was me and asking how her day was, avoiding the same question she had just asked me, I wasn’t so sure she wanted that answer, I asked her if she had a few minutes. Her voice changed tones and said I do. I paused ---
Is it normal for people who commit to
the WR to go crazy after?! I feel as if my world feels is going to
crumble and shatter at any moment. I swear I’m going crazy. Is this
really “normal”?!
After I paused for a minute she said, in a sweet soft tone that brought tears to my eyes ---
It sure is normal and no, you’re not
crazy. Satan is NOT happy with you and he is going to attack you. But
don’t think you are crazy, it’s very normal with racers to go through
this phase of doubt and attack.
I cried in relief and then we both laughed:) We had a sweet chat for about 10 minutes and even just talking through it out loud, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt in my heart that THIS journey – The World Race – is God’s calling on this season of my life. Reiterating to her things that God has done that I’d never be able to do on my own was just more proof of that. She agreed. She also encouraged me to just journal this out to process the doubt and struggle that I’ve felt from it.
When I went back into work, I was listening to music on the Casting Crowns YouTube channel and I think the song The Well is a great description of where God has me right now. It’s a hard place to be frankly! FULLY surrendering what “I” foresee, think and plan to what GOD has in store instead.
For now, my job is to be EXACTLY where I am – The University of Arizona in Phoenix Arizona working with some “crazy co-workers” that happen to be my thorns (my spiritual sharpeners per se) and minister to them RIGHT where they are. It’s not a pretty place to be frankly...but if I can’t do it here, what makes me think I can handle loving orphans across the world or a sweet soul as they work in a garbage dump?!? Love is LOVE – unearned, undeserved, and something a believer should give unconditionally.
“Jesus, help me love like You because some days, I just don’t feel like it!”
The morale of the story:
- I am NOT CRAZY and THIS is normal!
- God has all things under control and HAS called me to serve HIM on The World Race!!
- I MUST trust HIM – even in times of struggle and doubt.
- Satan is NOT happy that I’m going to please Christ FIRST!
- Therefore, attacks are coming – I MUST be armed to fight the war!!
- I cannot do this alone!!! I need my friends and family…supporting me, praying for me and encouraging me along the way – especially in the hard times.
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