When I'm honest I'll admit it...

When I'm honest I'll admit it…

…maybe I'm afraid?!

True story, no one knows what it is like to prepare to leave YOUR life behind except for those that have and are.

It’s HARD.
It’s MESSY.
It’s a LOT of little things.
And in some cases, it’s REALLY complicated!

There are easy decisions to make and hard.
There are good and not so good choices to make.
There are moments on this journey I’ve mentally quit.
There are still times on this journey I’m mentally quitting but I am blessed beyond that!

I have a support team, albeit few, that are the most amazing people in the world. Without them, I’d be waiving the checker flag of defeat and moving on to another adult life as many in the Christian faith have done.

SO, when I’m honest… this is what I’ll tell you!

The easy thing to do would be to:

Stay home - live in a comfortable condo in a high end neighborhood in Scottsdale Arizona.

Stay in a good job with a reputable employer and work a "9-5" j-o-b!

Drive a car that's 'mostly reliable', has air condition, a radio and space - lots of space that’s ALL mine!!

Enjoy whatever I'd like to eat whenever I'd like to eat it, including my favorites: Starbucks, Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, Pita Jungle and Texas Roadhouse.

Spend time with my friends on the weekends, and random weeknights, just living life! Laughing, relaxing, discussing and chillin!

Rely on my family being near me if I needed them; despite 2,000 miles between us.

Go to church with my friends and sit by them each week and soak up God’s truths like a sponge.

Enjoy the latest and greatest iPhone and text my friends wherever I’d like!

Thrive on cell phone service and Internet at my fingertips 24/7, 365. I mean as an American it's our right to have electronic communication, right?!

 

But if I'm honest, I'll tell you --- 

I'm afraid!

I'm afraid:

To live out of an 85 liter backpack and not have my favorite hoodie, jeans or chill clothes with me whenever I want to crawl into them for comfort.

To live in close community with such diverse people who already are fighting and bickering in a stupid social networking world.

To live off rice and beans or PBJ's knowing it’s not a balanced nutritional meal. (I mean hello, I already try to make good choices because I'm self-contentious about my weight - I'm freaking terrified of carb-overload with no veggies for 11 countries!)

To not sleep in a real bed; have you ever seen me tired?!?! Well trust me, you don’t want to. (I can’t say too much on this since I sleep on a good ol’ fashioned twin size Colman blow up mattress eh?! But who knew God was preparing me for WR ten months ago lol)

That my patience will not make it and I will break - possibly end up in jail in a jungle somewhere because a teammate pushed the wrong button.

To leave my dear friends behind. I don’t want them to think I’m abandoning them - I do love you all, honest.

That this time-frame seems all wrong and maybe my focus should be to go back to school and finish what I started.

To not have a body of believers to worship with on Sundays that is my “family”. Church and Sunday’s mean SO much to me… Can I live without CFTN or my normal company to attend worship with?!

Trust in what I can’t see - financially, emotionally, spiritually…in EVERY way!

My biggest fear - that death will sweep over someone I treasure to the depths of my heart and soul, like it did in 2009.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that although there are MANY unknowns and a slew of thoughts and emotions rambled out in type above; well, if I’m honest, maybe I’m just admitting I’m afraid?!